


God Save the Queen: a Between the Lines ficlet

by The_Honeyed_Hufflepuff



Series: Carry On Countdown 2019 [8]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), Carry On Countdown 2019, Crack, DEC 12 - Crack!, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, I hope, M/M, Sexual Humor, conversations about hypothetical jizz consistency, please don't read if you think that'll bother you, this is quite literally the most cursed thing i've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:00:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21774106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Honeyed_Hufflepuff/pseuds/The_Honeyed_Hufflepuff
Summary: Baz gets drunk for the first time & says some wild shit. Simon, Dev, & Niall are just along for the ride.(Specifically the iterations of these characters from my ficBetween the Lines)
Relationships: Dev/Niall (Simon Snow), Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On Countdown 2019 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1557748
Comments: 29
Kudos: 228
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2019





	God Save the Queen: a Between the Lines ficlet

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Carry On Countdown 2019 - Crack!
> 
> Did y'all read the tags? Let me reiterate: this is cursed. But it's also crack day, so. Here we are. (Based on a conversation I had with my SOBER husband not too long ago; y'all can blame him for this trainwreck.)

**DEV**

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. 

Okay, so we all figured Baz’d be a lightweight, what with him not drinking anything _ever,_ but holy good _goddamn_ . (We probably should’ve monitored his vodka to juice ratio…) (We _probably_ shouldn’t’ve let him start with hard alcohol…) (I’m _probably_ a terrible friend for not thinking of this sooner…) (I’m waiting for Niall to come back from the loo and tell me so. But if _I’m_ a bad friend for not thinking about it, so’s he. I’m already thinking of a retort. Like... _what’s that make you, darling?_ ) (...Niall’s completely off his tits. Probably too much to chastise me.) (I think Salisbury and I are the soberest people in this equation, and that’s some kind of tragedy.)

It’s a good thing we stayed in tonight; wouldn’t be able to take Baz anywhere. I’m just sat back watching this unfold, really: Baz leaning into Simon, snorting and giggling into Simon’s shoulder as if Simon’s just told him the funniest, dirtiest joke in the universe. (I can’t remember the last time I heard Baz _giggle._ Probably when we were kids. Probably before his mum died…) 

Simon practically manhandles my cousin until they’re close enough to sit on the sofa, and Baz flops down next to me like he’s made of noodles. Which only sends him into another giggle fit. (It’s sort of cute, really.) (I think Simon thinks so, too.)

Simon hasn’t sat down yet, and Baz reaches out for him, pawing at the sleeve of his jumper until Simon says, “What, love?” 

“What if,” Baz starts, but then he’s falling over his own laughter again, snorting and sputtering and generally looking like someone he’d usually cock an eyebrow at. (I should probably film this for later.) (I take out my mobile and point it covertly; Simon’ll probably try to stop me if he sees, and I _can’t_ let that happen.) 

Baz collects himself enough to sit prim and proper, then he says, “What _if_ , when I came—” He’s laughing again, and my ears are perking up, because Baz _never_ talks about sex. At all. I can hardly believe I just heard him say the word _came._ (I guess he might not be talking about sex at all. _Came_ technically has a bunch of other meanings.) (I wonder what it says about me that the first thing I thought about was fucking.) 

Baz is in proper hysterics over his own untold joke, and I’m dying to know what it is. Like, edge-of-my-seat dying to know. Simon shoots me a glance and a shrug as he sits on Baz’s other side. I shrug back and shift my mobile a little more so he doesn’t see it. 

Baz snorts and doubles over, and I can tell Simon’s trying to keep himself from laughing. “What _if,_ ” Baz says again. He sucks his lips into his mouth like he’s trying to contain his hysterics, then he looks over at Simon—away from me—so I have to get up and go ‘round to the other side of the sofa to see his face. (So my camera can see his face…)

“Simon,” Baz says. He sounds like he’s choking on a giggle. “What if I shouted GOD SAVE THE QUEEN every time I came?” (He literally shouts _God save the Queen!_ It nearly gives me a heart attack.) (The neighbours are going to think he’s well patriotic.) 

Simon laughs, and Baz’s face literally lights up, he’s smiling so hard. It’s bloody good to see; I feel like smiles from Baz are so _rare_. (Well, not so rare anymore.) (And he’s definitely never looked at _me_ like that.) (I suppose that’s a good thing.)

Simon goes to lean in, but Baz stops him with a hand against his chest. Baz’s smile drops. He looks properly serious now, like he’s about to say something _very_ important. He reaches out and takes Simon’s hands. “Would you still love me if I had a disease that made my come the consistency of spaghetti?” 

“ _What_?” Simon says, just as a literal guffaw explodes out of me.

Baz leans in, all conspiratorial-like, and whispers, “ _Jizzghetti._ ” 

Simon turns to look at me. He’s got a huge grin on his face, but he’s also managing to look concerned. “He’s completely trolleyed,” he whispers. 

Simon’s still turned towards me when Baz leans into him, whispers, “I _know_ ,” and licks his ear. I feel like I’m witnessing something sacred. It almost makes me want to turn off my mobile. ( _Almost_.) 

Baz’s grey eyes flick up to mine—his pupils are _huge_ —and he smirks, points at me, and says, “Ha, Devereaux. Fuck you.” Then he looks away. 

I snort just as Niall comes up behind me and buries his face in my neck. “Whattarya doin’?” he says.

“We’ve created a monster,” I tell him, holding my mobile up a little more and zooming in on Baz’s face. He’s leaning into Simon again, and he just looks so... _happy._

Baz looks happy. Even if he _is_ off his tits. Even if he’ll probably be embarrassed into next bloody year once he sobers up. Even if he’s—

“It’d have to make the noise, too,” he says, and then he makes a jerk-off motion and the equivalent of a slurpy, verbal keysmash and I almost double over. I _am_ doubling over, falling to my knees, rolling on the floor. I sound like that girl from the barbeque sauce on my titties vine. I just barely hear Simon say, “I fucking love you,” over the sound of my own witchiepoo laughter. 

  
  


**SIMON**

Baz is giggling into my shoulder, and it’s the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. (Even if jizzghetti’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard.) (Baz's mind on drink's a _weird_ place.) (Baz's mind in general's a weird place. And a bloody brilliant one.)

I feel like kind of a shit boyfriend, letting him get this drunk, but also he didn’t _have_ that much, and it was _his_ idea. Said he wanted to know what it was like...

Also he’s crawling into my lap and kissing me, so this is pretty A-plus-plus, if I’m honest. (I’ll just have to make sure he waits a bit longer before he takes his meds.) (I’m really, _really_ hoping he feels okay tomorrow, but _fuck,_ he just moaned against my mouth…)

He tastes wrong, like vodka. 

“Get a room!” Dev yells.

Baz breaks away from me with a wet smack. “This is _my_ flat, you insuff—in. You…” He’s gone a bit pale, suddenly. (As pale as Baz can get, anyway.) “ _Fuck,_ ” he whimpers, then he covers his mouth and jumps off of me and nearly trips over the coffee table on his way to the bathroom. I think about going after him to hold his hair back, but he’s already slammed the door. (He’s already retching.) (At least he stopped kissing me first.)

“Well,” Dev says, plopping down next to me and stretching his legs to prop his feet on the coffee table. They land in some dealt playing cards, which fall to the floor. He almost knocks over one of our cups when he crosses his ankles. I can hear Niall in the kitchen pouring us all glasses of water. (Probably I should’ve gotten Baz one myself…)

I’m torn between getting up to check on Baz and the fact that if I check on him, he’ll probably be embarrassed. 

I’m headed towards the bathroom when I hear Dev say,

“That went well.”

**Author's Note:**

> [BBQ sauce on my titties](https://youtu.be/Wo9p4Lqaakg)
> 
> I'm so sorry this is such a mess but I hope it brought some enjoyment, lmao (can y'all tell I've never written crack before & have no clue what I'm doing? I have no clue what I'm doing)
> 
> Also I doubt this'll be BTL canon. I have other ideas for what happens when Baz decides to drink for the first time...
> 
> Come say hi to me on [Tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thehoneyedhufflepuff) I'm a disaster over there.


End file.
